Soldiering On
by Yazzy
Summary: Kai reacts badly when Rei tries to tell him how he really feels...


Oh ye Gods...at the minute I have sickeningly sickening writer's block, but here you go:

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"I love you." 

I suppose that's how most fairy stories end, isn't it? The hero and heroine clasp hands, stare into each others' eyes and proclaim their love for each other. Well this isn't a fairy story, and there's no heroine and no happy ending.

Probably because I'm gay. And because he isn't. He just...looked at me. Looked at me as if I was slightly mad.

"Excuse me?" I took a deep breath.

"I...love you." He looked from side to side, then back at me.

"What?"

"I...I love you..."

"Yeah. Really funny."

"No! I-I'm not joking!" Well...not going exactly to plan. I'd expected him to smile, throw his arms around me and kiss me senseless, or something...anything would have been better than the look of half-disgust and half-horror on his face. "You're serious?" The disgust was in his voice as well.

"Please, I...I just..." And he just looked at me again. I could feel my insides turn to ice as he took a step closer.

"Look, I said I don't have a problem with you being...gay. But that doesn't mean I am as well."

"I know..." Did I? If I really knew why did I even bother saying anything in the first place?

"Look, just forget you said it, okay?"

"But I...I love you. I really do..."

"And I don't swing that way, so don't got there." He turned away, glancing back over his shoulder. "Find yourself someone like you."

Someone like me... I winced. I don't know why. Somehow the words hurt, as if he'd lifted a hand and physically hit me. Someone like me...someone like what?

"Someone who likes...other men." I hadn't realised I'd spoken aloud. And I could hear from his voice that his face was wearing a sneer.

"But I..."

"Look..." His voice cracked with anger, he turned back, eyes glittering furiously. "I don't go for guys. You know I don't. Let's just forget we ever had this conversation."

"Please..."

"Look, just...no. Don't you understand? I'm not a freak like you! I don't want to be either! No! N-O!"

"No...you look!" I didn't know what I was saying. What I was doing. I just grabbed his arms above the elbows and shook him hard, ignoring how he looked down at my hands as if they were plague-ridden rats crawling on him. "I love you, you selfish bastard!"

And then I kissed him.

And it felt so good I didn't want to leave go. Ever.

But he did.

Before I knew what was happening, I was on my back on the floor with him looming over me, a furious look on his face. "How dare you?" He hissed. I didn't know. I still don't. "Don't you ever do that again!" I blinked up at him and didn't reply. "You understand? Don't ever touch me like that again!"

And then it all came out.

"Okay, I won't! I'll never touch you like that again!" I staggered to my feet, feeling my nose gingerly. It was bleeding, but not broken...

And then I hit him back.

How did I dare do -that-?

I didn't know then, and I don't know now either. I just know I stood there, watching him reel against the wall, one hand cupping his cheek. He looked about as shocked as I felt. I looked down at my fist and it unclenched before me, fingers curved around nothing. My hand dropped to my side. "I...I didn't mean to...I'm sorry..."

"You just stay the fuck away from me...don't ever come near me again..." I felt my heart cracking inside my chest.

"But...we're on the same team..."

"Well then why don't you just go and die, that'd be doing us all a favour!"

I cried out as if he'd stabbed me. I could feel the dead weight of my heart sitting heavily on my chest, managed to gather myself to reply. "I love you. I don't care what you say...I...I love you..." He sneered and turned his back, starting to walk away.

"Well I'm never going to love you back, so give up!"

Helpless, I fell to my knees. "I love you..." It was all I could bring myself to whisper to his retreating back. He just carried on walking. I bowed my head and buried my face in my hands, scrunching up into a little ball of misery and despair.

I don't know how long I was there for. I only noticed that I was sitting there at all until I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Rei?" The person knelt down next to me and I turned, flinging my arms around them.

"Oh Lee..." I snuggled into his neck and cried until I couldn't cry any more.

"It's Kai, isn't it?" He asked, finally. Weak with crying, I nodded. "What did he say?"

"He d-doesn't love me back...he told me to d-d-die!" Lee clicked his tongue sympathetically and held me closer. "Wh-why can't he love me back?"

"Because he isn't gay, Rei. You know he isn't."

"But I thought-"

"I know. I know. It's okay. Come on, get up." Lee pulled me to my feet, still supporting me. "Rei, come on." I sagged, starting to cry again. "Rei...Rei, get a grip!" And that hurt as well. The ache was still there in my chest, making me feel as if my lungs were being crushed, so I clung to him tighter. "How could he -say- that Lee?"

"Because he doesn't care about anyone but himself." It was so hard to hear...

"No...he cares...he has to care..."

"He -doesn't-."

"WHY?"

"You know why!" He yelled back. Tear blinded, I looked up. And somehow it didn't seem strange to kiss him.

It felt -good-.

And he didn't push me away. He held me tighter, his kiss fierce. "Lee-"

"-I- want you. Sod Kai."

"Lee, I-" And he kissed me again. I think I was still crying. My cheeks felt damp. I didn't hear the footsteps. Just the spiteful voice.

"Didn't take you long to get off with someone else." And he was there. Him. Kai.

"Kai..."

"You -disgust- me." I flinched, and Lee's arms tightened around me. And I was angry again.

"I don't care." A lie. A crying, shameful lie. Lee held me closer, protective.

"You don't know what you've just let go, Hiwatari..."

"I do. A low-down, man-loving excuse for a team mate!" My eyes narrowed.

"At least he loves something other than himself." Lee spat. I snuggled further up to him, sniffing. And Kai just gave me that -look- again.

"Don't bother coming to training, Rei." He hissed, ignoring Lee. "Don't bother ever coming near the team again." He turned on his heel and stormed away.

But that time I didn't cry. I felt as if I was being torn in half. I didn't want Lee. Not really. I wanted Kai...

But I couldn't have him.

I pulled myself out of Lee's arms and started to walk after Kai. "Rei, where are you going?" I couldn't answer. Just thought 'I'm sorry' as loudly as I could. Kai was ahead of me as I turned the corner.

"Kai!" He turned, eyes dark with anger.

"I told you to stay away from me!"

"I don't care what you say! I love you and I won't stop loving you!"

"Well you might want to, because I HATE you!" And that stung.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you hate me then!"

He hesitated, and my heart skipped a beat. But then he leaned, his eyes boring into mine. "I hate you."

It felt like the whole world was falling apart. And he stalked away, leaving me to collapse with it. I leaned against the wall, then straightened, resolute. He would see. I'd -make- him see. I went back to my room in a daze, and sat down on the bed. "He hates me." I whispered, to no-one. "He -hates- me..." My lower lip jerked, and I burst into tears, alone.

The dramatic thing to do would have been to slit my wrists and write 'I love you Kai' in the blood, but no. That's ridiculous. that's what happens in stories.

So now I'm sitting here, crying, alone, and mulling over the whole thing.

God, I wish this was a fairy story...

But it isn't.

It isn't, it never will be, and that's how it is.

Maybe someday soon he'll understand what I feel about him.

But until then I have to soldier on.

fin

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It's not quite my usual standard, but hopefully I'll conquer the dreaded block soon... 

R&R


End file.
